Of the more than a decade now that I’ve been attending the U.S. Open, it never fails that wherever I sit I end up in the seat in front of a loudmouth dimwit, the kind of tennis fan who tells his kid that it is match point when the score is deuce at 5-games all, the kind of fan who makes outrageous declarations despite not knowing enough about tennis to tell Tourna Grip from toilet paper.  “I was here last year and I saw Andy Roddick hit a serve 240 miles an hour — I’m serious.”   Or the fan who is certain the serve he saw was wide, despite being 50 rows up on the wrong side of the court.  “Can’t these guys see?  Come ‘on!”

Almost as bad as the obvious braggarts are the fans obsessed with the obscenely-priced food and merchandise.  And they all carry cell phones so when they’ve exhausted and bored everyone within earshot, they can reach out and annoy someone else.  Here’s the side of a conversation I heard during a key moment in the fourth set of the Soderling v. Haider-Maurer match on Monday:

Hey Carl, I’m at the grandstand.

I’m thinking about buying the kids shirts.

But I like the hats a lot.

What do you think of the hats?

Let’s get shirts.  Shirts are good.  Hats are good too. But I want shirts…

I should ask their mom.

Maybe we get the both hats and shirts.  What do you think?

I think…

While this went on ad nauseum, he missed some brilliantly played points and a shocking overhead miss by Soderling that sent the match into the fifth set.

There’s clearly a lot of money to be made selling these dimwits shirts and hats and $9 souvenir beer cups and $12 crepes.   I just wish the USTA would open a mall outside the grounds to occupy these idiots so those of us who came to see tennis can watch the matches.

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